“The daughter of so-and-so is to marry so-an-so!” If you’re married, then know that these words resonated the heavens just forty days prior to your conception. (1) Yes, before man is even but a fetus in his mother’s womb, a heavenly voice proclaims precisely whom he is destined to marry. It is, quite literally, a match made in heaven!
First Things First
Those just beginning the search for a ‘shidduch’, or ‘bazra’, will find the quest can often be difficult, and for many, perhaps even exhausting.
Our Hachamim have related a peculiar statement on the topic: ‘Matchmaking is as difficult for Gd as was the splitting of the sea’. (2) The words are obviously profound, and deserve a clearer, deeper explanation. Does this imply that splitting the sea is ‘hard’ for Hashem? That to perform an act of supernaturalism requires even slight effort on his part? Can we dare limit his capabilities, or suggest they require x amount of effort? –certainly not.
Hashem himself declares (3) “Am I under any limitations? [I can do anything!]” Indeed, as stated by Gd himself, he is not limited by any means.
So, just how hard is it for Gd to split the sea? It is effortless. To say matchmaking is “Just as hard” would thus mean it is exactly as effortless as the aforementioned miracle. The question is, just what are the Hachamim teaching us with the above-cited Midrash? The answer is simple and inspiring.
If one trusts that Gd is indeed the one true matchmaker, he/she can rest assured that at the right time, Hashem will easily send forth their intended mate, for it is as easy for Gd as the splitting of the sea. However, if one believes the finding of their intended mate is dependent solely on the means of their own efforts – know that you’ve got quite a journey ahead of you, for it is as difficult as splitting the sea!
What to Look For
After acknowledging that the matter of shidduchim is solely up to Hashem, (and assuming you’re prepared to take the big step,) it is almost time to begin the search.
While it is imperative for one to know what he/she want in a spouse, it is essential to first know what’s important. What traits and qualities are required for a marriage to succeed. More specifically, to learn of one fundamental character trait that we, as Jews, have stressed most when finding a spouse. Its necessity dates back to the days of our forefathers.
When Avraham Avinu’s trusted servant, Eliezer, sets out to find a wife for his master’s son, he prayed for a sign. He decided that the girl who’d insist that he and his camels drink, such would be his heavenly sign that she was the choice companion for Yitzhak.
Amidst his prayer, Eliezer is witness to something fascinating. He sees Rivka bat Betuel making her way to the well, when he finds “She’alu HaMayim Likrata”, the water miraculously rises from the well without any human effort. (4) It was an open miracle, and Eliezer heads over to Rivka, curious whether she will satisfy the sign he’d requested. As we all know, she did!
The question is obvious: Eliezer had prayed for a sign to identify Yitzhak’s future wife. Before receiving the sign, he is witness to a complete open miracle performed for this young girl, before his very eyes. Was that not enough of a sign?! Was it truly necessary for her to meet the original set-requirements?
Rabbi Yitzhak Zev Soloveitchik zt”l shares a fundamental lesson, both in life, and certainly when looking for a spouse. Although the miracle performed for Rivka was undoubtedly a remarkable occurrence, Eliezer was still not ‘sold’. The phenomenon, though noteworthy, did not prove she possessed the most fundamental trait for marriage. It did not mean she had good middot. Only proposing to satiate Eliezer and his camels would prove she indeed possessed the ultimate character trait.
When setting out to find our intended match, there is no question that high atop our long list of external, sometimes shallow wants and wishes, should be the word ‘middot’. While good-looks, a sizeable bank account, and a high-ranking social status might sound nice on paper, don’t forget that these extras can be lost or stolen in the blink of an eye.
It is only pleasant, good character, that will truly help a couple through thick and thin.
(1) Sotah 2b
(2) Bereshit Raba 68
(3) Bamidbar 11:23
(4) Bereshit 24:17
